So your kids are teens, but surprise! You’re having another baby. What do you do now?
A surprise pregnancy can be a bit of a shock, particularly if you and your spouse expected to be empty nesters soon. It’s also a big adjustment for your kids, who are focused on their friends, extracurricular activities, dating, and planning for college. This change is likely creating some chaos inside you, your spouse, your marriage, and your family.
We can imagine that this news has created a seismic shift in your world. Maybe you’re reeling internally. You’re in a situation where it’s important to give yourselves—and your older kids—time and space to adapt to a completely new future.
Fear is Normal, So Embrace It
It’s normal to feel fearful or apprehensive about life-altering news like this. You might have made plans for the near future that will now have to be put on hold indefinitely. Maybe you’re worried you might not have the stamina to “start over” with parenting.
Rather than ignoring how you feel, embrace it. Talk to your spouse about it, and give them space to share their concerns with you. If your teens are uncertain about having a new sibling, help them feel safe to share their feelings. Communicating with honesty will help you move into this new normal as a family.
Your Current Life Stage Offers New Opportunities
You’re in a different stage now than you were when your teens were born. Most likely, you have more resources and opportunities. So perhaps your energy isn’t what it was fifteen years ago, but you might now be able to get some extra help in ways you couldn’t when you started your family.
Focus on building a support system of friends, family, and a strong medical team. The most important priority is connecting with the right specialists in your prenatal team. Secondly, you’ll need strong emotional support for yourselves and your teens.
Connect With Others With Similar Experiences
It’s important to connect with friends and family who may have had similar experiences to yours. In some ways, we know how it feels to have a baby a little later in life. We were married for fourteen years before having our first child, and we had one at 40, so we can relate to this!
One of the best kinds of support we received was the social support of our friends. It’s absolutely vital that you recognize you don’t have to go through this alone. While it always takes a village to raise a child, that’s especially true when you’re having kids a little later in life.
Likewise, it could be helpful to meet other parents who have children with large age gaps between them. And if you need a little additional guidance, or if your teens are grappling with this change, we can help. Our book, Helping Your Struggling Teenager, contains tools and resources for navigating difficult seasons as a parent. Take a look and get your copy here.
Even though this news might be tough to navigate at the moment, there’s hope. Life throws us curveballs, but if you’re equipped with strong relationships, you can thrive. It’s possible for you and your family to adjust well to this new normal, and welcome this new baby joyfully.
Do you have children with a significant age gap? Do you know someone who has? Share your insights in the comments.
I’m the oldest of 8. My youngest siblings were 15 and 18 years younger than I. I’ve changed both of their diapers (when cloth ones were used, and you dipped them into the toilet, then wrung them out and tossed em into a 5 gallon bucket to be washed). Grandma lived with us until she passed when I was 14. Mom, Grandma, and us older siblings “tag-teamed” care for the younger ones. The elder children were expected to help out with the younger ones, even during Summers, after working from 8A-5P on neigjhboring farms (since a week after I turned 11). Collaboration and teamwork were expectations in our large household. We grew up close, and developed skillsets that enabled us to be suitable spouses for our mates, in that long gone era of multigenerational housholds. We all benefitted from it. My wife and I have 4 adult children. She too grew up in a large family of 7 children, and cared for the her two younger siblings. Raising our 4 was a breeze in comparison with our parents & families of origin. We view Family as a T.E.A.M. “together executing a mission” of living in community. We cared for my mother-in-law in our home for the final two years of her life, and two of our children had the privilege of aiding us. That experience enhanced their empathy and interpersonal care skillsets. No reluctance or complaining, because their “Mimi” was Family. Good marriages and families are Hard Work. Bad ones are just plain hard! Work makes the difference!