Does having sex less often mean your marriage is in trouble?
A married couple’s sex life is often a pretty good barometer for how things are going in their relationship as a whole. Intimacy, passion, and commitment are all important and crucial ingredients for a fulfilling married life and lifelong love. Still, there are times throughout your life when sex will happen less often than you’d like for it to, and that doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is any less healthy.
There are a few factors that can impact how often you and your spouse are intimate. Together, you can navigate these different factors and seasons of life, and come out on the other side closer than ever before. Let’s jump in.
It’s Normal To Have Different Levels of Desire
Even though you’re both invested in your relationship as a couple, it’s common to have differences in levels of desire. We all have unique personalities and we express ourselves differently. This doesn’t mean you love your spouse any less if sex is less frequent for a time. It just means negotiation has to happen. You need to work out your differing needs together.
One of you might put more weight on intimacy than the other. They may get a sense that the marriage is in trouble when sex happens less often. If you place less emphasis on intimacy than your spouse, don’t neglect the fact that sexuality is important to your married life.
It feels cliche to say so, but men are often more drawn to the physical side of sexuality, while women appreciate the emotional side of intimacy more. While this can be a gender issue, it’s also a legitimate issue to consider. In the end, you’re both working toward the same goal from different aspects of love. You want a strong, happy, intimate marriage.
Sex Happens Less Often in Some Seasons of Life
It’s important to create as healthy a balance as possible. In some seasons, sex happens less frequently due to external factors. Situations like having young children, caring for aging parents, or navigating a job transition can all impact how often you’re intimate. These are all parts of life, and it’s possible to stay close despite the changes.
Avoid pressuring yourselves and using this time of life as a judgment against your relationship. When you’re in the middle of a season like this, it’s important to keep communicating and connecting emotionally. In this way, you can continue to build intimacy in your marriage until you’re able to return to a rhythm of intimacy that works for you both.
In Tough Times, Make Time for Each Other
When times are difficult and sex is less frequent, find ways to make time for each other, whatever’s happening around you. This might look like physical intimacy, but it might also mean taking time to connect and have a deep conversation. Keep reaching for one another as you move through this season or circumstance.
Every couple is different, so you and your spouse have to decide together what works best for you. Determine what you each need where intimacy is concerned. As a team, you can work to find a balance that feels healthy and positive for you. And if you need a little guidance, our book Crazy Good Sex just might be what you need. Take a look and order your copy here.
How do you and your spouse successfully navigate seasons with less physical intimacy? Share your strategies in the comments.
What about a spouse who is experiencing chronic medical conditions with fatigue and pain? What about a spouse who has a history of SA or trauma and is working through this? What about a mental health condition such as depression, anxiety or PTSD? Every one of these can impact intimacy.
I second those questions. Would be great to get Symbis’ input on those.
Hi Sarah – I wrote a book called I Want Him to Want Me: How to Respond When Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex that covers many of your questions. And there are many wives with higher desire levels than their husbands- more and more research is showing the gap isn’t as wide as many have come to believe.