One of the most frustrating issues to face in marriage is having a spouse who doesn’t seem to listen to you. And it’s a common problem; many spouses complain that their husband or wife just doesn’t retain important information–even to the point of not remembering it was discussed in the first place.
If this sounds like your marriage, don’t worry; there are several mindset shifts and strategies you can use to improve the situation and get yourself heard when it’s most critical. Want to know more? Read on.
Remember that your spouse probably isn’t tuning you out on purpose
Chances are, your spouse doesn’t really mean to let the things you say slip. In today’s busy culture, it’s very likely that he or she is often multitasking. Trying to get multiple things done at once can make it incredibly difficult to retain the things we hear. It’s just like adding one more plate to the dozen your spouse is already spinning.
It’s also true that spouses tend to listen differently; it just depends on each of your personalities and can be influenced by everyday stressors. Sometimes it’s just a matter of giving your spouse time to hear what you’re saying, process it, and absorb the information. It might seem to you like they’re distracted or only half-listening (if they appear to be listening at all), but maybe their brain is just processing the information.
Some couples who face communication difficulties are dealing with a gender issue (but not always). Stereotypically (and physiologically) speaking, men tend to have a harder time retaining things they’ve been told–but stereotypes don’t always hold true. Depending on your unique situation, your wife might actually have a harder time honing in than you do.
While there will be some cases where a spouse makes a conscious decision not to listen, most of the time, there are outside factors influencing their ability to focus or retain what you’ve said. Keeping this in mind can help you keep your responses to it in check.
Evaluate your approach and make any needed adjustments
Naturally, we get frustrated and even angry when we feel like someone isn’t listening to us–particularly someone as intimate as our spouse. This can color the way we respond to their seeming inability to hear or remember things we’ve said. But even though we may be justifiably upset, it’s still important to tread carefully.
If you’re feeling upset with your spouse, give yourself time to cool down before you approach them about the issue. Making angry demands will be counterproductive; it could actually cause your spouse to tune you out. If you’ve approached them this way in the past, it’s time to try a different avenue.
Putting your important communication in writing can be helpful if your spouse has trouble retaining things sometimes. If you’re particularly worried he or she might not get the message if you verbalize it, write it down. You can choose to put the details on paper, or you can drop a note somewhere where they’ll find it easily simply asking them to talk when they have a free moment (like on their work desk, by the computer, taped to the bathroom mirror, or something similar).
Be careful not to use notes as a way to avoid other forms of communication. Instead, think of them as a safety net. Your spouse might simply retain information better by reading than listening, and that’s okay. But you still might need to have discussions surrounding the items on your notes.
Another thing to consider is your individual communication styles. If your spouse is straightforward and to-the-point verbally, but you tend to ramble and talk around topics, your spouse’s mind might wander. Let’s say this is the case; if it is, you might have to actively adjust your communication style in certain situations when you need your spouse to hear and retain something important.
Carefully frame the moments when you need their undivided attention
Framing the crucial moments when you need your spouse to be fully present with you when you’re speaking can help you feel heard. Don’t be afraid to ask for their full attention at times like these.
You can say something like, “I have an important question for you, and I need to know you’ve heard me.” You could also ask for them to weigh in: “I need your input on something. Is this a good time to talk?”
If your spouse is highly task-oriented and you find it challenging to get their attention, you could say, “Hey, when you’re ready to talk, there’s something I need to focus on.” Rather than springing something important on them when they’re in the middle of a task, you’ll give them the opportunity to get into the right mindset to truly listen.
Does your spouse have a hard time listening or retaining important things you tell them? What are some constructive ways you use to approach the situation? We’d love to hear from you in the comments section.
Thanks
I have a hard time remembering things all the time. Me and my husband have our own business. A business that demands all of my time more than his. He gets frustrated with me because he remembers every detail of romance and love he gives and I don’t. So when I say he’s hasn’t done something he tends to argue with me and reminds me. It’s not that I don’t love and cherish him because I do. How do I remember so that I don’t make him feel like what he is doing doesn’t go unnoticed.
You could try keeping a journal and writing down the date and the things he does before you go to bed. And then if you forget one thing, you can tell him, I’m sorry I forgot that! But you know, I do remember this and this and this. And then you can express your heart toward him in a way you know he can receive, like taking his hand or rubbing his shoulder, or looking him in the eyes, or offering to do something for him.
Thanks, you guys are great, and help lots of people. I am your reader and bought your books. However, since Theology and Science divorce since 5th century, Seminary don’t teach and talk about science anymore, pastors, Christians don’t or rarely learn, or apply physical’s scientific knowledge to their Biblical learning. We missed a lot of God’s creation knowledge.
Psychology and counseling too, most of them based on phychological studies only. It’s alas for all of them.
Left and right brain function differently is the 1981 Nobel prize winner by Rober Sperry.
Physically difference is not stereotype only, it is the most basic differences.
Women have the interesting and ability to talk (details, details, details that drive men crazy, sometimes, most of the times), men are not interesting and no ability to listen. If any one who knows women talk with both brain, and men only left brain functioning (males right brain is not functioning while talking).
Besides, male’s right brain “shrink”, and communication cells were killed during 8-18 weeks of pregnancy, which including “relationship” function, these all cause males problem in communication.
However, bain is plastic, and males right brain is not totally damaged, if they want, they can learn to change. If they had known the reason why the way they were, wouldn’t they want to learn to change more?
Thanks for the solid advice. I recently listened to some teaching by Tim Downs (CommGuys) on communication styles and listening styles. We need to know our style as well as our spouses if we are to be good communicators
I was having this exact problem of feeling like my spouse was never listening to me. He would ask me a question and I would answer. Then a few minutes later he would ask me the same question. It made me feel like he didn’t love me enough to listen and care. But I read a book called Is It You, Me ,or Adult ADD. It talked about this and many more problems that we were experiencing. It was an eye opener. When I realized that it was really a brain issue, it changed my perspective.
a couple of books will help you understand yourself and your man: The Female Brain, the Male Brain both by Luann Brizendine; Brain Sex; and The Essential Difference, Simon Baron-Cohen. After you read all of them, you’ll totally know your husband the way he is.
There is no significant difference between “male and female brains” and there is far more variety among each sex than between them. This is confirmed over and over again by scientists and study notes/scientific journals are easily found online if you look for them. Stop implying to these women that their husbands are not responsible for their disrespectful and flippant behavior “because our brains are just different,” it’s pseudoscience and it’s lies.
The lie of “brain sex” has been used to argue that women are less competent and less suited to valuable roles than men for centuries. It’s all made up, sexist, and lazy. Educate yourself.
Thank you Corey. So much is due to poor listening skills, and laziness in my view – or possibly some sort of pathology, if your spouse persistently fails on certain tasks. I encounter the situation often where I take the time to explain a task or specific and get brushed off -with irritation/annoyance- as if I am implying incompetence by providing instructions, and then he fails in the task. It is no partnership. So much wasted effort and frustration that could so easily be avoided. He may be irritated by the instructions that he fails at, but I am irritated enough to just not want to deal with it anymore. Either do it myself or enjoy peace as a single.
In my house it’s called ODD Oppositional Defiance Disorder or
DTMWTD Don’t Tell Me What To Do It’s terrible I can’t say anything cause even suggestions or ideas are telling him what to do or think I give up
Hey Polly, I have the same feelings as you with my husband. Because if we talk about a topic of interest to him he hears it clearly and retains it. Interesting huh…
>There is no significant difference between “male and female brains”
LOL. I actually laughed out loud.
When comparing a large group of men to a large group of women, studies have consistently found:
Male and female brains are different in their degree of lateralization.
Males have a denser left amygdala, hippocampus, and denser right cerebellum
Females have a denser left frontal lobe
Females have more brain cells devoted to olfactory (smell) processing
When using working memory, females make greater use of their limbic system, amygdala and hypocampus while male processing is distributed more across the cerebellum, left insula and thalamus
Females have higher activity in their salience network, which factors in their higher susceptibility to PTSD
In women, estrogen can enhance or interfere with memory and learning depending on the levels
In males, testosterone is associated with higher visual-spatial processing.
None of this excuses disrespectful or abusive behavior in men. Neither does it excuse disrespectful or abusive behavior in women.
But it’s absurd to claim there is “no significant difference between ‘male and female brains'”
I’m having so many problems with this where to begin? I am simply not being heard. If he asks me a question and I answer it, 85% of the time it is not heard, either. in part or in full. my problem personally is that I really don’t like to have to repeat myself so many times. It’s exhausting mentally physically an emotionally. I have a combined problem with my husband. 1. He knows everything, not a know-it-all but feels he’s been through too much in his life then you shouldn’t know the basics of what I’m saying and that’s not true. there are many new things under the sun when it comes to but your partner has to say. 2. A valid complaint doesn’t exist. If it is adverse it’s a complaint and complaints are nagging. God I hate that word nag. Because even though he never says the word, nevertheless it is ultimately the EXACT reason for not listening to me. if any other woman over the history and time has ever done it before and it was a problem for him and it’s just not valid. I think I’m going to lose my mind I can’t get him to realize that what I say never just nagging. I am very direct, to the point, and I don’t beat around the bush on a subject. this should be a wonderful thing for someone to have in a relationship. But it’s only good if both parties are like that. Bewildered….
One day in 1952 when I was taking my first psychology class at Norwalk (OH) Bible Institute, my Professor came in one day all excited! He read to the class a new journal article defining many biological differences between male and female brains. This intrigued me, so in many courses since, I have kept abreast with the latest research of the day.. My newest course on the bio / psycho / social/ spiritual issues will be this week at Ashland (OH) Theological Seminary’s Summer Institute. Keep reading, there is increasing new information .
Great information everyone! Thank you for sharing! We highly recommend Les and Leslie Parrott’s book Love Talk and their Deep Love Assessment. They are couple communication game-changers! We are using this material in a small group setting as there’s a dvd and workbooks.
Great adbvice! Communication takes skill and intentionality but pays off in blessings!
Wow. This really hits home. My wife walked out on me a year ago. We are in contact and still married. However, it seems near impossible to get her to communicate openly and effectively. I’m sharing this with her in hopes that it will give her some insight as it has me. Thank you so much
My partner and I have a great relationship. He seems to be listening, but yesterday he put my life at risk but not listing to my very clear, verbal commands on how this event needed to talk place so no one was hurt. Up until the time we hoped out of the car I STRESSED we MUST stick to this plan. Well he did his own thing as soon as we started and it ended terribly. These issues of not listing are becoming worse. Should I have him checked for a mental issue or is he truly, not flat out listing? Please Help
Corey, above, is right. There is no difference between male & female brains. This myth has long been promulgated by (mostly) male ‘authorities’, therapists, etc. seeking to further enable men for their actions or lack therof. Males, by and large, (and specifically husbands) are too easily distracted, have short attention spans and distinct memory problems. All dismissed by aforementioned enablers as “typical, genetic male behavior”. BS! It is simply a way for husbands to zone out and tune out the voice of their partners which, to them, is nothing more than white noise. All of which is infuriating, hurtful, dismissive and humiliating to their partners. Plus it promotes a very real feeling of insecurity on their partners’ part; never truly being certain if their words or instructions or expression of fears and anxieties have been heard, processed, retained and understood. As evidence of my initial statement, note that in the article all means of ‘dealing with this problem and fixing it’ are directed toward the partner. It is the partner who is advised to change THEIR behavior. Not surprising.
The partner can be male or female…
Your anger is coloring your judgement.
If you are verbally attacking your spouse, tuning you out is probably the only way he (women do respond differently to such abuse than men) can cope with the assault.
Thanks for the article and all the replies.
How to deal with a spouse who doesn’t listen to ANYONE? Doesn’t listen to me. Doesn’t listen to the dentist. Doesn’t listen to the primary care doctor. doesn’t listen to the eye doctor after misusing contact lenses. Doesn’t listen to the nephrologist after a painful kidney stone. Doesn’t listen to anyone
>There is no difference between male & female brains
When comparing a large group of men to a large group of women, studies have consistently found:
Male and female brains are different in their degree of lateralization.
Males have a denser left amygdala, hippocampus, and denser right cerebellum
Females have a denser left frontal lobe
Females have more brain cells devoted to olfactory (smell) processing
When using working memory, females make greater use of their limbic system, amygdala and hypocampus while male processing is distributed more across the cerebellum, left insula and thalamus
Females have higher activity in their salience network, which factors in their higher susceptibility to PTSD
>There is no difference between male & female brains.
In women, estrogen can enhance or interfere with memory and learning depending on the levels
In males, testosterone is associated with higher visual-spatial processing.
None of this excuses disrespectful or abusive behavior in men. Neither does it excuse disrespectful or abusive behavior in women.
But it’s absurd to claim there is “no significant difference between ‘male and female brains’”
>This myth has long been promulgated by (mostly) male ‘authorities’, therapists, etc.
Psychologists, social workers and therapists are mostly women. 80% or more.
>As evidence of my initial statement, note that in the article all means of ‘dealing with this problem and fixing it’ are directed toward the partner. It is the partner who is advised to change THEIR behavior.
that’s because you can’t change other people. so when someone is seeking out solutions for this type of dilemma the best advice is to what they can do — not their partner. their partner is not reading this article. their partner is not seeking advice.
>never truly being certain if their words or instructions
ah, the truth comes out! you believe women have the right to give INSTRUCTIONS to their husbands, and the husbands are somehow magically obligated to listen and obey. maybe this attitude is why your husband is not listening to your orders.
Hmmm… why are are you here? Oh! I’m sorry, looking to hone in on your listening AND reading skills.
Next time please share the entire point the person your mocking is trying to make. Otherwise those who are here actually looking for advice, don’t get the real point that person was making.
> Plus it promotes a very real feeling of insecurity on their partners’ part; never truly being certain if their words or instructions or expression of fears and anxieties have been heard, processed, retained and understood.
So if I tell my husband something about our only child one on the way, example her teething or if she is 🤒, ways to help her. He completely block me out. But if his mom or someone other then me gives him advice he takes it. Also I can’t tell him to get me something from the store and it’s completely wrong even if I showed him a picture or gave a full description. I understand we all have things on our mind but it makes me up set. Sometimes I think we married way to soon. He was really pushy on not letting me have my own place. Always wanted to pay my rent even though I had my own money, so I could save for school was his excuse. Don’t get me wrong his a good person and a provider but sometimes I just don’t know if I can take not being taken seriously. I hear a lot of spouses have a hard time listening.
Why is the onus on the person not being heard to “fix” the situation? They obviously don’t have any problem communicating. It is the listener who is dropping the ball. Anger is an honest response to being dismissed and having your thoughts negated. Telling the speaker to change their communication style reinforces the idea that they are somehow at fault. Why must we change?
I just found the perfect picture way for him to listen! Crawled on his lap, framed his face with my hands, then said “ I really need you to listen to what I have to say”. It worked, wonder if it’ll work in public
Sometimes domestic issues are not critical. Whether the washing is folded, a part of the garden is trimmed or an appointment about a new kitchen / night out doesn’t compare to keeping your job or a heath issue. Not listening could be a filter. This is not important. This is important. If your partner doesn’t remember the everyday things you talk about, think whether it really matters. Does someone die? Are you in threat of losing your home? If you partner is just out with his mates or playing Xbox, maybe you’re just with a twonk and nead to find someone else.
My husband always claims that he doesn’t listen if “it’s not important”. But all I have to do is tell him it’s important and he’ll hear and remember. I can appreciate this, but I feel myself often very frustrated because he almost never remembers stories anyone tells him, not just me. We have other couples we hang out with and he will ask them the same questions over and over and over again, not remembering that they already shared where they grew up. what they are doing tomorrow, their son’s name, etc. He will often ask me questions related to something, like about a tv show we are watching and the first time he asks I’ll say “I don’t know, I’ve never watched this before”. Then 5 or 10 minutes later he’ll ask me another similar question and I’ll say it again. By the third time, I admit, I feel very annoyed and will sometimes respond sarcastically. My husband is no exaggeration, a WONDERFUL man and one of the most generous and loving people I’ve ever met. He is very easy going, but he’ll get upset at me for getting annoyed at him about this issue and while I’m sorry about my behavior, I don’t feel like he takes his side of it seriously enough. Am I really supposed to just patiently put up with it? I get it that sarcasm and irritation aren’t helpful, but he just doesn’t seem to understand how many times in a typical day he does this?! Am I crazy for getting annoyed?
I have a situation where I really feel that I am only heard when it meets some one else’s purposes. When I try to explain how I feel about something — not an accusation — his response is “how can you tell me how I am?” My response is “I am only telling you how I feel about what you have done — it does not my feeling is accurate about your intent. I hate it when someone minimizes my feelings!!
This article while helpful, leaves out a critical component of the marriage equation. The spouse or partner who is not “hearing” you needs to also acknowledge the issue and make some sort of concession so the couple can work on it together. Expecting the person who is talking to do all of the work, acceptance, modification of approach, and generally given the partner carte blanche is unfair. My spouse claims “inattentional deafness”, states its not their fault, and then blames for me not trying something different when I’m 6 feet away asking the same question 3 or 4 times, while getting the kids ready, making breakfast, and trying to get out the door. When will articles stop letting people victimize themselves tell people to be an adult! I grew up with learning disabilities and nobody ever let me play the blame game, I had issues….I had to acknowledge and fix them, not the other way around. Finally, I’m a husband and father that works 50 hours a week, goes to school, does the early morning and late nights with kids; THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE ANYMORE.
Unless advice for me. I’ve told my wife that she doesn’t listen to me. She agrees it is a problem, but nothing changes. She once told me that she should listen to my advice more often as it has often proven right. Yet, she still does what she wants to do. She has even agreed that I was right and then still did what she wanted knowing it was wrong.
I carry the entirety of the mental load, and nearly all of the physical work in my marriage. I’m thinking of serving him divorce papers for our 20th anniversary. I cook, clean, do laundry, dishes, mow the yard, take out the trash, pay the bills, shop for groceries, AND WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME! He doesn’t listen, and doesn’t try when I ask for ANY help.
I’m really tired of this type of so-called solution that doesn’t hold the erring party to account as a functioning adult. Instead, the onus of responsibility is shifted to the party who is already doing all the heavy lifting with regard to communication. You should both retire from trying to give advice.
I have a fiancé that continues to tell me that I do not listen. He now expects me to give him three solutions or ways to help me to start listening to him.
His three ways was :
Sitting me down and talking to me nicely ,
treating me like an asshole,
Last option was physically which he says is not an option as his not brought up this way.
I am honestly lost and do not even know what to say or do.
please someone help because I do not know what else to do, to prove that I am listening and trying and I want our relationship to work so seriously need solutions or options to resolve the matter.
I just stopped seeing the negative and praising the positive. I also don’t initiate that many conversations with my Hub, We are now companions and someone to watch movies with but I get my needed conversations with other people and concentrate on all his good points and smile. We do most things during the day on our own, which is normal for us, and I have many girls nights out and events with couples. When we are on vacation, though, we are pretty loving like the old days. 35 years married and very active in sports.