One of the most difficult issues to face in your marriage is the realization that one of you resents the other. This can be a devastating revelation, but it doesn’t mean you can’t overcome these intimacy-killing emotions.
Resentment tends to arise in marriage when one spouse is either knowingly or unknowingly taking advantage of the other–or taking the other for granted. Habitual poor behaviors or unhealthy patterns feed resentment. Some common issues that cause resentment between spouses include:
- Habitual selfish behaviors
- Being “married” to a job
- Favoring one of your children over the other(s)
- Spending too much time with one side of the family
- Not being fully present at home or with the kids
- Expecting too much out of your spouse (or vice versa)
- Not carrying your weight at home or stepping up to responsibility
- Failing to celebrate your spouse on holidays or special occasions
One or both spouses can contribute to this environment in a marriage; it’s important to pinpoint what’s happening, address it, and work together to find a solution. The good news is that it is possible to set things right and overcome the hard feelings between you.
Today, we’re sharing a few tips for how to tackle and deal with feelings of resentment–whether it’s resentment toward your spouse, or your spouse’s resentment toward you.
If you resent your spouse…
If you’re resentful of your spouse, chances are, you’ve been holding in some unpleasant feelings for a long time. The issue could be as simple as your spouse neglecting to take out the trash every day; on the other hand, it could be a more complicated issue like him or her spending all their free time with your in-laws.
First, write down everything you’re feeling. Writing can help you gain clarity in an upsetting situation, and it can help you drill down and pinpoint what’s going on inside you that’s causing you to feel such intense resentment. Most likely, you’re feeling the pile-on of many events over a long period of time–maybe even over the span of your entire marriage.
Through your writing, do some serious self-reflection to become more aware of the root of the problem. Is it something that happened in the past that you’ve been carrying around all these years? Is it a theme or pattern that has never resolved itself?
Next, explore whether there’s some positive perspective you can take from what you’re dealing with. Are you holding onto unrealistic expectations you can lower or let go of? Is there an alternative viewpoint you can take once you’ve pinpointed the source of your resentment? We know that while there are situations that don’t warrant simply taking a positive point of view, asking that question of yourself can be helpful as you move toward a solution. Remember, though, that positive perspective doesn’t give your spouse license to continue in their unhealthy patterns. You’ll still need to address the issue head-on.
The most difficult step in this process is approaching your spouse with the problem. Keep in mind that right now, your spouse isn’t feeling any pain. Whatever behaviors or patterns are creating this resentment in you, as long as they’re allowed to continue, you’ll be the one feeling all the pain. And nothing is going to change until you let your spouse know how you feel.
There are multiple ways to go about solving a resentment issue. You may be able to offer your spouse a positive solution or compromise that works for you both; for example, if your spouse wants to use vacation time to spend with his family, ask that he reserve a portion of that time for you. You might choose to set boundaries instead; for example, if your spouse is a workaholic, ask her not to answer the phone during dinner or date nights.
It’s important to note that you won’t experience a truly positive change if you make unreasonable demands. Can you meet in the middle to make things work more smoothly? Think about small adjustments your spouse can make to his or her habits that would make a big difference in your life.
If your spouse resents you…
When your spouse feels resentment toward you, you might not notice it in the beginning. But sooner or later, it’s going to become noticeable…and uncomfortable. While it’s easy to blame your spouse’s shifting attitude on them, what you may be perceiving could actually be a building resentment toward a habit or behavior you’re displaying.
If you think your spouse might resent you for some reason, try to dig deep as to why. You might not be able to pinpoint it right away–or even on your own. Sometimes it takes another perspective to be able to see your own flaws.
Approach your spouse with vulnerability and care, and ask them if there’s something you’re doing that is bothering them or if you’ve done something hurtful. It may be difficult for you to hear their answer, but be receptive to their answers. Don’t let yourself become defensive. Instead, listen to what your spouse has to say and echo it back to show your understanding.
Once you know what’s triggering your spouse’s resentment toward you, it’s time to act. Because you’re taking on an emotional burden your spouse has been carrying for a long time, it’s going to be painful. Change is difficult, but we promise you the results will be worth the effort.
Have you and your spouse overcome resentment in your marriage? Share how you did it in the comments section below.
What do you do when your spouse doesn’t respond or actively put effort into the problems, even after many conversations and requests? He remeains indifferent to my feelings and the failure of our marriage of 25 years
I know and feel this same pain. I will be sharing this article with my husband in the upcoming days as I continue to pray that his eyes, heart, and mind will be opened to know and understand how he makes me feel and what I need and desire from him. Until that happens, I will continue to be the strength my family needs with the help of my Saviour.
I’m in the same boat. I commend you for your strength and commitment to him in spite of his shortcomings. Continue to pray, that’s the only way I too get any peace.
Please understand that you can’t change each other,YOU can help one another to change. HOW YOU MIGHT ASK THE ANSWER IS LEARN TO LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND NEVER TO ANSWER OR TO JUDGE
I love this. GOD BLESS YOU!
As a man going through this (wife resenting me for not listening) I can tell you that her words to me didn’t mean much. When I found out she was cheating (these actions) got me to change. Unfortunately for me it is too late and she is moving on but if you pack your bags and go for a day or two he will get the picture.
My husband started being resentful towards me after he started working two jobs. We both work and take care of our children the best we can as he started making more money I couldn’t keep up with his salary and his spending habits. I do as much as I can being a working mother and taking care of everything at the home front. You name it I do it at home. I also go to school part time and work doubles during the winter months. So now he has expressed his resentment of me for not pulling my weight financially. However nothing has changed I don’t give less. I just can not buy the things or keep up financially with him anymore. So I make myself feel lesser than and I am hurting because he spends less and less time with me. He says he works this hard to make us happy. Honestly I am not the person to ask for anything nor do I care about materialistic things. I just want us to relax and be happy and he seems to be moving in a different lifestyle and now resentful of me. How can I deal with this?
I am so tired. So tired mentally, emotionally and physically I’ll due to resentment in marriage. Worse when I speak about it he just looks at me and moves on as if my words mean nothing to him. Making difficult for me to talk and seek clarity of his behavior towards me. I am tired. I am in this now only becuase of my 5 year old daughter who loves her dad. Otherwise no I can’t do this any longer
Your humility, empathy, listening and trying to understand her, would have never caused her to look away. Your very comment screams (she showed me the signs but I didn’t take her seriously, if she’d have left for a few days, I’d have payed more attention). No woman ever thinks about leaving a man who she feels loved, appreciated and validated by.
How did u get over it
Amen. I feel your pain and I carry the same pain. Prayer is rye only way I get peace. Again when I look at my children I find comfort knowing they rely on me for unconditional love same way they rely on their father.
To you and Catherine c – I cant reply to her as she doesnt seem to have the reply button enabled- I totally feel your pain. Only thing is prayer does give one peace but it does this much, and God only helps those who help themselves. If you can turn your intentions to the betterment of the hereafter then it helps one to be brave, because it requires every ounce of bravery you have got to do what I will suggest.
Ask your husband unequivocally to support you independently. And that your lifestyle should and will be a reflection of his salary and that you should have nothing to do with bringing income. Full stop.
It will be helpful if you can bring in scripture or any authority he truly respects as that will make the process easier. Or you can convince an elder or his kin to talk to him and convince him instead of you. And then tell him you will respect him and enable him emotionally and physically and your children all the more when he does this.
It is important to pray consistently while doing this and even if it does not work trust in Him that He WILL fix things for you and He decides to test you in His infinite wisdom then He will reward you amply in the hereafter. And do remember that- in the end -mankind suffers MUCH MORE through getting what they pray for, than THAT which they are deprived of.
You need to move on girl, one way or the other. Stay blessed.
I have a similar problem. Every now and again I sit down with my wife, and we talk through about all the things that would make her happier. We agree a plan and then. . . .nothing happens. 6 weeks later we are back in the same spot it is like a cycle. I am not sure if she has a really bad memory, or just can’t be bothered to break the negative loops.
I commend you for sitting with her and talking about her needs….do you also get a turn to express yours??
Are you doing things that would help her? Maybe she is being negative because you haven’t changed…
Do counseling and if they still can’t adapt to your request separate show them your serious and if they don’t change and it’s toxic leave them for good
I know I go through the same with my husband of 35years he doesn’t take my feelings seriously like he just doesn’t care and I just think he hates me or I need to keep apologizing and what for for bieng honest and straight forward to him
Rori RAe? she is a great coach.. or dr randi gunther has some good ideas..
I don’t know how to begin to talk to my husband about the resentment I hold. Would you suggest a letter? How would I format said letter?
Judy, talk to your husband as your feelings happen, don’t wait and let them build until you dump them on him in a book long letter. If your husband is anything like every other man, which I know he is, I’m sure he has tried asking what is going on, but you may not have the words or haven’t processed it to tell him right then, so you wait and let it build bigger and bigger. Once it finnally comes out, it is a freight train, unloading on him. The amount is overwhelming, hard to swallow, and probably builds even more resentment towards him because he doesn’t react the way you think he should. On the same hand his resentment build towards you for not being able to just talk about things as they come up. I experience this with my wife now and am so completely frustrated. I ask her what’s up, something wrong, she responds with nope, while still her brain is running rampant. I ask again and finnally quit asking because I have opened the line of conversation numerous times and she refused to speak about it. When she builds up enough and decides to unload, I don’t want to hear it, I try to get her to talk as it comes and she waits until it is overwhelming and I shut down. Men need it as it comes, not in Mass bulk, you will never get anywhere if you let it build. I try to explain this to my wife and it falls on deaf ears, I hope this gives you some insight from a male perspective, and wish you the best in your marriage.
I was raised to speak up and I do, gently in the moment. Nothing happens, next time I say it again. Men call that nagging. So catch-22. Now what?
How would you approach resentment that’s been building in my heart? I’ve always wanted & imagined having children once I was married. During the time we were dating & engaged, although she wasn’t initially open to the idea, her heart & mind started to change. After marriage she wanted a couple of years to process it. It’s now been 4 years & the aspect of children has become a hard point of discussion, one of which my heart hasn’t changed on. I am worried that if we don’t have children, I’ll become resentful towards her. But I’m also concerned that if she concedes to have a child, she’ll end up resentful towards me. We’ve gone through marriage counseling & have been in prayer over this topic for a while now. Any advice you can offer would be a blessing.
Having kids is a huge decision that will affect everyone your family knows. The last thing you want to do is give kids a home where their very existence causes resentment. Thank you for taking this to prayer.
I recommend finding the root causes of why your spouse doesn’t want kids and why you feel so strongly that you want them. With careful counseling there may be a way to benefit both parties. Some points to consider are parenting classes, adoption or birthing, which parent could give up their career to initially stay home with the child if that is desired, financial burden of children. Also, do everything you can to make sure your marriage is rock-solid with or without kids, because each new family member changes your family dynamic and the adjustment can initially be very difficult.
There is no compromise in whether you want children or not. It’s best to discuss this before marriage. If you can’t agree, then move on to someone who wants the same as you definitely, not a maybe. Those ones who want children, really want children. Those who don’t, really don’t want children. For the most part, women are the ones who give up the most when they have children. They are ultimately the care taker and for some of us it’s just too much and don’t want the responsibility or the stress of it all. 50 percent + of most marriages end in divorce and here comes the nasty battle of child custody and all that’s involved for years to come. Who wants to deal with that?! So realistically it’s best to part ways. There’s no good in pressuring one another into getting what you want. It will definitely end in resentment either way. This comes off as negative but sometimes reality is.
Children don’t deserve to be resented. Would you trust a resentful woman to take total care of your newborn, your non-verbal crawler, your terrible 2 toddler? There are women who are just like you. They want children but they are married to someone who is anti-children.
If you want to keep the marriage yet really want children you could try something that might work. In our religion the principle is that if one of the partners wants something that is expected in marriage, ie children by any party, exclusive income via the husband, etc, than that is a right that the other cannot forego and has to respect the others need as part of wellwishing for the other. If you can adopt that principle in your marriage as part of fairness and taking care of the others well being, then both parties will be liable to make it work. That way they will feel fairly dealt with and not taken advantage of.
Try discussing it with your partner and see what works.
You have to leave her and find someone who shares your same life goals immediately. If you “talk her into” having kids she will resent you and put the responsibility and fault and guilt and whatever else on you because “you wanted this”. You cannot fix this, it’s an issue that would fissure any relationship. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Resentment begins somewhere between un-communicated expectations and marriage that doesn’t appear safe. Think about it: every marriage is a cross-cultural marriage in one respect or another and navigating that without intentionality and care can land both people in big trouble. For example, my husbands family interrupts all the time! There are so many of them, its the only way you get a word in edge-wise. My family on the other hand, interruptions are the height of bad form, yell before you interrupt. So us coming together and away from resentment had to come to a place of communicating our comfort levels, being honest when the other person messed up either in interrupting, or over-reacting when interrupted. This is a silly example, but the point is, men and women speak different languages, different things mean something different to them, like for example a razing joke. Then add in the cross cultural differences and that complicates everything. <– this is a paradigm shift that is needed before the work can really begin.
In short, "My spouses perspective and my own differ, but it is just that…perspective(a point of view)." The moment moral strings are tied to that perspective and things get more black and white, the more marginalized both in the marriage can become.
WHAT CAN YOU DO:
– Stop making a moral judgement on everything your spouse does
– Shift your paradigm toward 'this is my perspective, or this is my experience' in place of 'he is ignoring me or she is hurting me on purpose'
– Create a safe place for your spouse to communicate his/her needs, hurts and even expectations
– Start raising your hand when the hurt you have experienced from your spouse occurs…stop holding it it, its doing no one any good and it will only come out worse or sideways later.
We just say Ouch!
How do you open that safe space. I am trying to that but all I get is superficial conversations. I try to be understand and am interested in what she says but we don’t get to the more difficult conversation. At least not yet.
I don’t know how useful this blog is when no one responds to the heartfelt questions people ask here. It is not enough to write what people should know, but people are dying for a tool, a way, an example, some guidance. Please take the time to respond- Thanks.
Agreed
I don’t respond because I’ve been married 36 years and learned it is far better to listen than to tell others what to do. Let me just say that I feel everyone’s pain. In my marriage thE resentment may be too much to overcome. I hung on until 2 of my 3 kids were married and now it’s time to get out. Before we were married my wife said, “People don’t change”. In 36 years she hasn’t and never will. Done hitting my head against the wall.
Why does there need to be a response for a blog post to be useful? Does a book author need to respond to all questions from readers in order for a book to be useful? I don’t understand why the blog poster needs to respond for the blog to be useful.
When it comes to the topic of resentment in relationship, we don’t come with a blank slate. Any question asked or answer offered is an iceberg: this much showing above the surface, and much, much more below the surface. Most of the responses I see here suggest personal experience with pain, frustration with not being heard or understood, and things along those lines. There are no small resentment issues from a female perspective, at least, because even small irritations (he didn’t rinse out the milk jug) trace into bigger patterns that mean “he doesn’t listen” or “he doesn’t value my contribution” on much, much larger scales. Now a small- scale irritation has turned into a relational identity crisis — and possibly before I’ve said a single word to my spouse! If I hold back until I know I’m not being unreasonable, I tend to start keeping records of just how often his choices irritate me, and I can build up a really good head of steam in no time flat. Did it just this morning in less than 30 minutes, in fact.
In such circumstances, there are no easy answers. Simple or straight forward, possibly, but not easy. You have to work daily to communicate with someone who speaks a foreign language. Very often each of your heart’s concerns are getting lost in translation. So… using counseling techniques like a Talking Stick (person holding the stick, wooden spoon, etc.) gets to talk while the other listens. Then you trade. No talking while the other person had the spoon, only Active Listening. Me listening doesn’t mean just keeping my mouth shut while I think through all the answers I’m going to give my spouse when it’s my turn; it means I try to see things from his position while he’s talking. Another technique that’s helped us a lot is using a scale of 1-10. 1 means it barely matters; 10 means it’s life or death. “What should we watch on Netflix?” “We could watch X, but it’s up to you.” ” No, you choose. I like Y, butt that’s fine.” “Watching X is a 7 out of 10 for me.” “Y is only a 2 or 3 out of 10 for me, so let’s watch X.”
If the resentment is an ongoing thing, then there ought to be an objective 3rd party. Whether 1 or both spouses see a trustworthy counselor, anything from family baggage to post abuse to unhealthy communication to unfair fighting patterns could be underlying the problem. So… not easy answers.
“Rinse out Milk Jug” – Why does that even bother you? I would just like to understand?
For example if I cook a roast dinner for my wife an kids quite often my wife will sit down and points out that the gravy is too thin, or she has the “wrong” kind of fork. She then moves around the table (often loudly) pulling kids up on negative things they are doing, and soon the meal is ruined.
Another example if I have a cup of tea and make a slight noise when drinking she goes mad, about how inconsiderate I am.
Sanity check – Is this reasonable behaviour, or am I evil? I’m kidding I know I am not. But why does my wife do this?
Probably because she is already resentful of you for many other reasons. I myself do this and I am full of resentment. So nothing he does is right and everything is irritating to me. Married for 15 years and all of our talks have fallen on deaf ears and nothing has changed. It’s not all bad but I can’t stop feeling resentful because in all the years of letting him know my feelings nothing has changed.
Every day is painful in a resentful relationship. I feel for you (with you, actually, being in one myself, but on the receiving end of the resentment) At least you understand and admit that you are resentful. That’s a great first step. It looks like he’s not going to change. Regardless, that’s nothing you have control over anyway. You have really 3 choices, right? 1) Continue to be unhappy, 2) leave, or 3) Start focusing on the GOOD things in the relationship in place of the irritations, be grateful, and see things slowly improve.
Yeh #3 you should have said do everything his way and kiss up .
You have to decide to be happy, and stop using your spouse as an excuse as to why you are unhappy. Happiness comes from within, and you have 100% control of this. If your happiness is contingent upon the behavior of another, you are doomed. Your happiness should only be contingent upon what you do in life.
I’m speechless right now
I don’t know you and you literally just described my life better than I ever could.
Thank you
I forgot to mention that my response was to Courty.
Something’s hurt her and now everything you do makes her miserable. She may not herself know the root cause of her anger towards you, she can only see the everyday irritation.
Exactly! Lots of somethings that were ignored and brushed off…
@Susan “Any question asked or answer offered is an iceberg: this much showing above the surface, and much, much more below the surface.” This sentence you wrote is the perfect way to describe “resentment”. <3<3
We need God in our marriage. Not to be selfish, not to put ourselves first. When we marry we are as one. What’s best for one is best for both. God comes first. What we watch on Netflix …, well does that really matter? Build up your spouse! Read the Bible. God and Jesus are our fullment. Not our spouse!!!
If God was the answer…everyone’s prayers would be answered. There are problems where faith is not enough…if a man or woman does not want to change, refuses to see his/her issues or has fallen out of Love you can not FORCE a marriage to work. Divorce sucks! But separate or take time for yourself. Figure out what you want, what you need. So many men and women stay in unhappy marriages and will remain unhappy until someone dies, becomes sick or what ever. Life is supposed to be lived to the fullest. Love doesn’t end because the marriage ends but God does not want us to be in a loveless marriage, an abusive marriage, a marriage with an alcoholic or drug addict, a spouse who neglects our needs who puts us down, etc. We all play a part in a failed relationship but if you have a spouse who refuses to recognize their part and does not want to work on the relationship…God can’t save him but maybe God is trying to save you so you can find a more God loving partner. I believe in God but I also believe we have the power to heal ourselves IF WE Choose to.
Amen to this! My husband uses the “you made a vow to me and God” line on me to invoke a guilt trip. We’ve been in marriage counseling however, He refuses to use the tools given to us to help communicate. His attitude is, I need to change in order for our marriage to work 🙄🙄
Failure to take responsibility for his part in the breakdown of our marriage. So when I mention divorce, of course it’s met with the “you made a vow”.
Ugh I give up
My husband said the same to me. He moved out, saying he cannot return until things change. Meaning I change. But I wasn’t the problem. The therapist has explained that our lives are so intertwined, he projects his insecurities onto me. He accuses me of all sorts and cannot understand maybe he’s done something to contribute. I have stopped shouting at him, after he moved back, now he’s forced to see where he goes wrong. I guess a possible answer to breaking the cycle is changing your reaction to his bad behaviour, and then maybe his behaviour will become glaring and he can’t accuse you of wrong.
You just described my marriage in a nutshell. We can not communicate. If we try to talk it’s turned into a full blown argument within 5 min. It makes him mad when I text because he’s on the road during the day. Hell I’ve even tried to communicate through music and sending that. He won’t listen to it. We are two head strong individuals and at this point it’s definitely not a good thing. We’re like two goats 🐐 butting and locking horns. Idk what else to do. I ran out of all my tools in my backpack 🎒 lol
You are speaking all the right words right at him and u don’t even know but his side.. thats coercion at its best .. ha.. u are enabling him .. for ur own selfish goals .. u aren’t helping him although He believes it to be true bc u are a manipulative in more ways than u can see in yourself. It shows vividly to others who get it.. just pondering
Most often one spouse caters to their family and never visits the other. Sometimes after 40 years they do not know your sisters name. I always feel slighted and last. If a brother and spouse have the same disease the brother is different and gets more of the concern. Most of the time it does not change. You can not talk to spouse they are always checking in every half hour and God forbid if you interrupt. Prayer changes things keep the faith and God wii pay them. I have resentment.
After reading all the post from women i would like offer a male”s petspective. My Spouse within the past year has been distant and we have not had any intimacy for last two years. Prior to that imtimacy has been a chore. Meaning only one was interested but ithe other wanted no parts. IT ISXSO BAD THAT WE WENT ON GET AWAY WEEKEND AND NO IMTIMACY NO TOUCHING NO NOTHING. IN FACT MY SPOUSE DRANK TOO MUCH AND GOT SICK…..i think it was on purpose because it was the lesser of two evils …i thought nothing of it at the time but giving the events since im sure it was avoid me at all costs right now i wish she would just leave…go be happy with someone else. The resementment is two fold. For years i chased took my eldset son around in pursuit of a potential baseball career which took me away many weekends. At times i asked her to come but wasnt interested because we had other kids. I ignored her i am not saying it was intentional but nonetheless it deosnt matter. The other is my eldest son is addicted to mariquana and had his stints in and out if court. I did all I could do to help him stay out of jail. Now he his in our home on house arrest which putting a scrain While I can not change the past i believe she will never let me off the mat. She doesnt want to do anything together…it hurts. I cant have marriage where there is no imtimacy i I too takeva job far from mybresident to helpnpay for the mound of
Help!
My wife says she wants a divorce, doesn’t want to talk about it, but finally admitted she feels a lot of resentment towards me…I think to the point of hating me.
We mutually decided that I would give up my pursuit of “riches”, sell my start-up company, & begin raising our daughter. She’s a well compensated health professional with a very demanding job. 7 years & 3 children later, she feels she made a mistake & has “missed” their childhood. She now wants to reverse roles & be in total control of all aspects of child care. Ugh
This was in response to Tom. Theses reply’s seem to be out of sync.
My wife has confessed she resents me because I am so happy all the time. What do I do about that?
I work full time, earning good money sending kids to good school. We live in a nice but small house.
I make breakfast, and 80% of the time dinner too. Do most 75 % washing up, take out trash etc. I get told off for “interfering” if I try to help her with anything on the spot, and get shouted at for not helping if I stay out of the way . . . . .
I often pick up jobs she should be doing because she makes such a fuss about everything, she often stomps around the house shouting at me and the kids because she can’t find a hair brush, or saucepan, or pair of scissors. . .the list is endless.
She spends all day and most evenings at the gym or out with friends eating out for lunch every day . . . and she resents me. Should I give up?
I can relate to what you are saying and wish I could offer some sort of help. I often wonder if I should give up too. The hardest part is that she refers to our ‘charade’, but is unwilling to talk about it and do anything to address it. I’m playing the long game and working really hard to hear what she is saying and respond accordingly, but seriously, most of the time I have no real idea why she get’s so mad at me.
Was she always moody, judgy? If not when did it change and figure out what happened at that time.some women find being a wife….mom unfullfiling. My cousins wife discovered hiking, running and soon was never home. when she was home she wanted to be with friends, she was mean and resentful. Maybe she is dealing with some other deep issue. Talk to her calmly and be a good listener…no comments or advice just listen. Give her a few weeks and let her know you are there for her. After a month or so offer her a way out if she has not made an effort…trial separstion ask if she is willing to see a counselor if not then offer a divorce. Don’t stop being a good guy. Some strong, ego driven, independent women often looked down and have less respect for a “domestic” man…esp if they make the woman look bad…it’s a messed up mind set and NOT yr fault. She just does not like being domesticated. Good luck.
Sound a lot like what I am going through. Constantly being with friends and at the gym or crossfit. I tried weekends away, expensive gifts, etc. Nothing worked.
She refuses to talk about anything else besides household admin or the kids.
Yet she says she loves me, but there’s been no intimacy in our marriage for years now.
No I just found out that she is having an affair. Seems that most times she wasn’t even at the gym.
I haven’t confronted her yet and don’t know what to do. I can’t even just up and leave.
That is horrible! Really sorry man. Why can’t you just up and leave?
i get it , i am sorry and hope things get better for you, I have been cheated on and married to a narcissist who is was a covert . I no longer have the turmoil as of now we are separated for at lest 6 month and possible a year. but her never admitting she was cheating even when evidence was brought forward has made my life very difficult to move forward. I am most likely getting divorced but we have 4 children and my youngest is 2. this is devastating.
Some really nice stuff on this website, I really enjoy it.
True !
My wife of 13 years told me the other day that she’s not in love me anymore. Her big thing is she resents me for thing things in the past. We have 3 kids, our first when we were just 18, had some bumps in the road for sure but I thought we had gotten over them. Now she’s bringing up this things again and is blaming that on our split. I’m asking her for marriage counseling and she won’t even consider, she just keeps saying she’s given up. Is there any chance to save our marriage? I know it’s very little information but she’s the love of my life and I don’t want to loose her.
Here is a suggestion if still relevant. Your message was written 3 years ago. Ask her what made her sad all these years (that was probably one or some of your habits). Act out in a way that you appear exactly how she wants and see if something changes over a course of time. You ought to know that there are many habits and things which if we stop doing it will make no difference for us, but it will for her. Since you said you love her, you can certainly give that to her.
Nice Post.
I was in a marriage for 12 years and it was very troubled. I get verbally abused every time and have been physically assualted with major police involvement. After 3 kids and fear for my life I felt unsafe and was so sad but had to make a decision to end it as he wasn’t acknowledging the fact that he had an issue. My husband was very outgoing and spent time a lot with friends, this has always been the way he was before I married him and I honestly didn’t mind and didn’t have any intention to change him. Through the marriage I realised that I was the one doing everything, kids, trash, cooking, kids activities, stayed in an unhappy job as he was always out of work and it became too much. He would complain whenever I asked for help, shouted at me and I got scared asking and was gradually getting weaker by the day as I worked my self for exhaustion every day . I always had two jobs, one full time and one part time and yet he would still. Call me useless. He nagged and complained endlessly and never said kind words to me, this brought me closer to my kids as I resented him, didn’t like being around him. I couldn’t help it but felt he was draining me so much. I was just wondering that if I hadn’t resented him maybe things would have been better but it wasn’t fun for me anymore. I love my kids to bit they are my life but my husband made everything hard for me because he wasn’t pulling his weight. I don’t think it will ever work again.
Help!
My wife says she wants a divorce, doesn’t want to talk about it, but finally admitted she feels a lot of resentment towards me…I think to the point of hating me.
We mutually decided that I would give up my pursuit of “riches”, sell my start-up company, & begin raising our daughter. She’s a well compensated health professional with a very demanding job. 7 years & 3 children later, she feels she made a mistake & has “missed” their childhood. She now wants to reverse roles & be in total control of all aspects of child care. Ugh
I’m leaving my husband because after years (only been 3.5) over time he has resented me for not being an obedient wife & he will not fullfill my needs for affection/attention. He comes from Mormon faith, very traditional gender roles, I am a very independent person who is old fashion to an extent but feels men and women are equal and help one another. I told him clearly what my needs were in the beginning but he just did the minimal or nothing. Yet he has expectations he needs met. This is my first marriage, his 3rd (we are in late 40s-early fifties). We met in high school after 35 years met again. Should have been a fairytale ending but it’s not. He grew resentful and so did I. It can’t work because frankly he won’t change his ideology, his controlling behavior and I won’t change how I feel about equality (frankly i am miserable and I wont wadte another hour, day, week, month or year feeling shitty). I left because my mind is set, he wants me back but I left before and all he does is damage control. For the men out there if a woman is past hurt, past crying and just angry and wants to leave….it is too late. If she doesnt want to talk, work things out it is too late. She is beyond changing her mind. Let her go be happy and you find happiness too. The heart heals.
Well said!
After 14 years I decided to stop resenting . We have fine life and just ignored problems. I felt so alone. So resentful. I am sure wife feels similar – but talking is hard.
I am doing things daily to change – and wish she would make a similar effort. There is something holding us apart and I don’t know what and she disagrees.
But I can’t be a “fixer”. So I just love and pray she can stop the resentment of me as I have done of her.
What can I do my husband don’t really talk to me and he never cares about anything I like to share. He doesn’t care about how my day was or about how his sons graduation was. He never asks anything about me or the kids. I just to ask him how was his day at work and his answer was “shirty” all the time so I kind of stoped asking
I see a lot of frustration and unanswered questions. Is any one monitoring this site??? Answers would be helpful
This hits home for me my husband and I have been together going on 15 years and married 10 years I was a second wife and also I was raising his 9 month old son by his previous marriage and 5 years in I got pregnant and in a sense pushed him to marry me I think he did it because it was the right thing to do but my wedding was less than minimal and all these years later I still hold resentment because I felt I deserved more not a dream wedding in a castle or anything but at the time I found out I was pregnant we were about to leave for a beach vacation and I begged him to let us get married there but he said he didnt want to ruin the vacation so I ended up at the justice of the peace 7 months pregnant I feel guilty for not being able to let this go and the resentment I hold is real how can I let this go I mean 15 years and still our wedding anniversary is not something I celebrate because it wasnt a day of celebration why do I still carry this around how can I let this go
My husband told me he resents me, and I feel its on purpose because I told him I resent him. I consistently tell him what my issues are as they come and he never wants to hear them, flips the issue and blames me all the time. Tells me how he tries to do things to make our marriage work, but in reality he does the same thing over and over again. Every issue I have with him, he flips it and blames me for the issue later. I can never come to him and tell him how I feel because my feelings are dismissed and I am quite upset because we have been living in our new home for 2 yrs but together for 13, but I am about ready to go. The fact that he doesnt see why I react the way I do, after I told him, and the nerve of him to tell me he is unhappy because I am not bringing anything to the table or catering to his needs is crazy. I feel like I always put him first and am losing myself in the process because of it. Meanwhile he consistently does things I feel are disrespectful and when its done to him he doesn’t like it. I don’t want to be that person who has to show you how they feel by doing it back to you. That is not who I am as a person, nor do I have the energy for that.
“The nerve of him to tell me he is unhappy…”
Wait a minute….
You just said, in the sentence right before, ” I can never come to him and tell him how I feel because my feelings are dismissed”
Sounds like it goes both ways. You’re expecting him to validate your feelings (a totally reasonable expectation), but you totally dismiss his? That’s really unfair, don’t you think? Find a therapist to help you both listen to each other and understand each other’s feelings.
Totally feel you. Been trying to communicate in healthy ways and heal from this resentment that I feel towards my husband who stonewalls me, gaslights me and just plain disregards my feelings all the time. He has a hard time accepting responsibility for his actions and therefore, everything is my fault so I get blamed instead of validated. It has become such a negative pattern for us that we can no longer be in each other’s presence without an argument. Not feeling heard/validated repeatedly and then being blamed afterwards is a hard way to live. I believe that there are some deep rooted issues here but that he is unwilling to figure out what they are. We did start counseling but until he is willing to face his demons and figure out where all of this negative self loathing is coming from then I am afraid that we will not be able to move forward and divorce is on the horizon. He admitted tonight that he still harbors resentment from behaviors from 27 years ago even though I sincerely apologized. This makes it impossible to have faith in our ability to move past this when he is negative, suffers from depression and anxiety and is unwilling to admit when he is wrong. I guess pride is one of his problems but not sure where else these feelings are coming from. I am a loving wife and want to help him be the best version of himself but not at the expense of my mental health.
This is a pretty great post. I’ve been thinking of starting a blog on this subject myself. Any tips or anything you would recommend me to avoid?
Nothing changes when you talk to them and they take your feelings and turn them into theirs and leave you feeling like you aren’t’ important enough to have those feelings so things stay as they are. Not good
Mel, yours is the story of my life.
Mel and Tara, your story is also my marriage story. I am about to leave as well.
Each time I tried to talk him he will flip it and blame it on me. Our issues were never resolved for last 10 years as blaming is not communication.
I told him if he doesn’t fix the blaming issue, he will still have the same issue with any other relationship he has with others.
I tried to share my feeling with my husband because that’s what everyone says to do. That’s what all the therapists say to do. But when your spouse is just so unwilling to listen and then make the changes that are best for the relationship- there is just no hope left.
I can relate. Maybe he is a narcissist
Agree
I have a question. I got caught lying to my wife. I’ve said ” I’m sorry. She has forgiven me for, but she hasn’t laid in bed with me for al most two weeks. Is he holding restaintment over me?
She hasn’t forgiven you. Although forgiveness doesn’t mean saying “Oh, it’s ok.” Because lying is not ok. That said, you didn’t say what the lie was. There’s a big difference between a lie where you say “I’m coming straight home today honey” but you stop and get yourself a Krispy Kream on the way home as opposed to “I’m coming straight home today honey” but you stop by and spend time at a female friends house (you see where I’m going with this). Perfectly fine if she hasn’t forgiven you after 2 weeks for infidelity or some other big transgression that you lied about. So to answer your question, yes, she is resentful. She hasn’t forgiven you, even though she says she has. But if you’re lying about infidelity or something big, expecting forgiveness after 2 weeks is expecting WAY too much. Most people would take months, even years, if at all, to get over a breach of trust like that.
I resent my husband significantly! Almost despise him. I moved in a home I hate (he built a home I told him I wouldn’t like) he listens to his parents as if they’re an authority. I hate it. I hate them and him. Now we have a child. And I wish I just divorced this narcissist!!!!
It sounds very much like he doesn’t care about how you feel. Is self centered self focused. And this is the tough part. He may not even realize how this behavior is affecting you and even if you tell him he may just block it out. Because he is so self centered.
My wife and I got married 6 years ago when we learned we were going to be having a baby. We had been dating a year or so when we were married, did not know each other well and our relationship went down hill quickly with stress of pregnancy snd dealing with new baby. I tried to divorce her a few times but she refused to cooperate and threatened to take our daughter away from me, so I stayed. I love my daughter more than anything on earth, being away from her pains me and I worry about how she would be if alone with her mother – which is largely why I stayed. Now we have a second baby who was just born and I am kicking myself for not leaving earlier. I know I will love this new child also, but I am tormented by the mother who does not appreciate or respect me – and I have tried very hard to make it work. We’ve seen several marriage counselors and therapists. We are just incompatible I fear.
Hi Chip Sykes, hope you feel better. I want to leave my husband badly as I have lots of resentments built throughout the last 10 years towards him. Each time he lashed out his anger on me, I told him I am going to leave him as I feel threatened by his anger.
He is emotionally unstable recently. If he tries to threaten me for keeping kids, I definitely leave him.
After our marriage, he blocked his family from accessing me. It has been 10 years and they know nothing much about me. Recently, I brought up my fear towards him during therapy training, I realize that I should voice out our relationship issues and his anger problem to his family. First time ever after 10 years, I texted in his family group chat (invited by his sister during the pandemic), when he started to become crazy last night, and I found out that it worked. He suddenly behave after he saw my text in the group chat.
My husband doesn’t want me to be close to his family either and I think it is so he can lie about me. What I say what I do to justify his own behaviors.
Simple. A lot of problems can be avoided by remaining single. Learn to enjoy your own company. You can have full control of your life and your home environment. I would find nothing worse than being in a hostile environment that is supposed to be your inner sanctum at home. Marriage really is a very unnatural union that only a few master to make it work for them.
Simple, even married. You can learn to love yourself and be happy, even in a marriage. When both people in a marriage realize that happiness comes from within, it can be wonderful; you both just end up creating more peace and love that is shared between you. But this requires that you are skilled enough to ‘tone-out’ and/or ‘ignore’ what may irritate you, and that you have the space and freedom to ‘move-out-of-the-way’ when actions may irritate you.
This is the 16th years of my marriage. I get married at a very young age while i was still in college. I grew up in a broken home with no warmth or support from parents. I was struggling to survive. Life was hard and I met my husband at that time he was nice and kind , i felt safe and secure with him (not sure if love him ) He asked me to marry him shortly we knew each other (less than 3 months) and I said yes. After we get married, he was working at night and taking care of our one and half yr old child back then while supporting me through school. We both struggled , burnt out but we worked together and made it through such a difficult period time of our lives. I graduated with a professional degree and started working with a decent salary job, at that time it was already 7 yrs into our marriage. I had my second child the year after, my husband’s company closed down and he decided to stay home for a while. Thought he was taking a temporarily breaks from work, yet , year after year, until now he has no intention returning to work and wants to focus on the kids only. As time slipping through our fingers , I found it’s harder to communicate with him , either he never listened or he never cared what I say from small things to more serious agendas. He is poor at doing house chores, doesn’t really maintain our small house either, snoopy with hygiene and self care. Often stays up at night , reading news and/or watching TV. But I must say he is a very loving wonderful father to the children and he takes care of them. I have many disagreements with him toward the attitude of life and perspective of raising the kids, however, I am holding my neck because of the kids. All the financial burdens falls on me. I minded at beginning but latter I gave up as long as he maintains the house and takes good care of the kids. Now, I found myself angry and resenting my husband frequently even to the point of divorcing him. I fake my smile and pretend to be happy around the kids. I want to continue our marriage , yet he must change. He refused marriage counseling as I brought up during one of our arguments. I don’t know what to do anymore, i feel depressing and see no light at the end of tunnel .
Hi my husband is very lazy and spends most of his days in the sofa watching tv, looking at his laptop at Facebook and also his phone for incoming messages. I have such resentment for him as I go out to work and keep the house going. He is retired now for about 8 years, he is divorced and his ex took everything so he has hardly anything left. Its driving me crazy and I know Im not always nice to him as it makes me so mad to see him like this. Now he is feeling resentment towards me as he is fed up with my comments but it gets the better of me and Im continually being negative in my head about him. A good day for me is one where I dont think about him at all.
Why don’t you stop allowing another persons behavior effect your happiness. Why care that he is “lazy” or “watches tv” or whatever… let him live his life in a way that makes him happy, and you focus on living your life the way that makes you happy. Do what makes you happy, rather than try to get someone else to do what makes you happy.
This is by far the best advice that I have seen in this thread.
It’s why she left him and took everything. He most likely acted the same towards her.
Together for 7 years and married for 3. I was so young and naïve, I did everting to help him out financially paid his bills and even use to give him money for almost 2 years be he was nice never mean cooked clean did laundry prepare lunch. it was great. 3 years into the relationship I found out that he had being cheating on me with more then 5 women one even became my friend I was so heart broken but at the time everything that came to light he had being the greatest boyfriend always taking care of my asking what I needed, sex was great and so I decided that I would stay and work it out he did a lot to change he was open about everything. Granted the damage had already being done I actually became negative no longer the bubbly attitude I became bitter. We coexist great now he pays for everything still cooks cleans and prepares food. Thought the whole relationship I have always being honest and if I have issues with him or something he is doing we have open communication. Well my issues is that my sex drive has always being high but I compromises also he never builds me up my confidence is none existent which his cheating did to me. We will only be imitate if I initiated always Oh and I have to give him a heads up. If I don’t he will come up with excuses which if I am honest don’t help with my confidence. Have had that conversation for better part of 2 years and nothing. I finally hit my limit not feeling wanted and feeling like I need to apologize just because I want my husband to love me. Last time he said no to intimacy next day I told him he needed to look for a marriage counselor I even went as far as to give him the phone number. Did he call? NO, he did after I prompted him. so now I am done told him I didn’t want him to touch me I told him I needed space and time to get my head straight. well now he is walking around the house sulking and asking me what I want and need and all I feel is just hate rage and resentment. I always compromised with him on everything but he cant do the same for me. Now I am just trying to find myself again I don’t need
Wait….
He DID call after you prompted him? And THEN you said “so now I am done told him I didn’t want him to touch me?” AFTER he called a counselor?
You’ve been through a lot. It sounds awful. I feel for you. But if he makes the call that you asked him to make, you gotta say “thanks” not “I am done” if you really want to work things out. Don’t you think? Don’t say “I am done” until you’ve got divorce papers.
July, enjoy your financial freedom. Your husband needs a role: let him raise the kids. Dads often do a great job and you admitted he’s doing a good job. And let him keep house. Keep working. Keep working on your career. You have financial safety if and when you want to leave. But see if you can get him into marriage counselling to work on communication: for example, did you talk about your respective roles (you as breadwinner and he as homemaker) or did it just “happen”. perhaps you need to talk about these roles and whether you are both satisfied with them. Don’t resent him: he is giving you the freedom to pursue a career. Make the most of it!
Hi, I just want my husband to leave me alone. He’s had several affairs and I’m also a Domestic Violence Victim from the one that was suppose to love me forever. He’s moved on but still will not leave me alone. I forgive but can’t forget. I’ve had to be tested for everything because of so many Affairs. He’s so worried what I’m doing just move on leave me alone
KB! I want to with you!! I have gone through that and i have so much resentment and hatred for this man. I read your story and i went back to what i went through. I can’t even explain to you how i feel about this man. The affairs have just destroyed our marriage.. i hope u can move on and succeed ..
I am near tears tonight. Everyone loves my husband. He’s outwardly kind, caring and fun to be with. In our marriage though, it’s another story. He is so selfish and self absorbed. He thinks only of himself. When I cook dinner, he’ll come in the kitchen, ask what we’re having and then proceed to pour his beverage, get his silverware and plate and help himself. It never even occurs to him to get silverware and a plate for me or ask what I’d like to drink. I do literally EVERYTHING to make his world spin. I cook, clean, shop, plan, schedule, entertain. He does not lift a finger around the house, at all, ever. I refuse to wash his clothes, so he does do that but only begrudgingly and often times asks for my help. I chauffer him wherever he needs to go because he’s not the best driver. At this point, I am just so tired of being taken for granted that I just resent the hell out of him. After telling me I am not a good gift receiver, he doesn’t buy gifts for me for my birthday, Christmas, or anniversary. He also doesn’t plan anything special for me on those days – he doesn’t even make a dinner reservation. It’s too much for him to consider making my life nice. I GIVE UP! My hubby is more concerned about how he looks to everyone else and could care less about me. His manners are atrocious. He ignores the need for personal hygiene except when we’re going to see other people. Then he bathes and spruces himself up royally. If we don’t have plans to see friends or family, he won’t bathe for a week or even two. The smell can be atrocious. And yet, he wonders why I shy away from intimacy with him. When I tell him honestly that he stinks and that I don’t feel loved, he cries and gets upset and I have to deal with his fragile ego and soothe his emotions as if he was a child. UGH! I just can’t keep this up. It hurts me to the core. What to do?
My husband is very self and my resentment is GROWING daily. It all started about 9 months ago when I found out he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. On my birthday weekend away that I arranged, he was texting her the whole time. We had a blow out argument, I was accused of being crazy, dramatic, making stuff up in my mind etc.
Now here we are trying to work thing out. My issue is he NEVER makes plans with me but he will always have his calendar full of things he has planned with friends. When I bring it to his attention, the blow out arguments begin again – get accused of being crazy, dramatic, making stuff up in my mind etc.
How do I stop being so resentful that he doesn’t even try to make things right or include me in his plans or make plans for us to do things together.
All his talk that he will try to be more mindful of my needs is just that, TALK no action.
I basically think it can be hopeless. Married 27 years dated for 3 prior to that. We got along pretty good before we got married because we could just hang out. No real big responsibilities to deal with.
We had plenty of money then just the two of us so we could both pretty much buy anything we wanted.
We lived in a duplex and had both sides full of crap. Just stuff we bought.
Then we started having kids.
It’s like he just didn’t grow up- maybe I didn’t either. Who really wants to?
The resentment started when he was working all the time then on time off he just ran with friends. Sometimes way younger than him. Think not very mature.
But guess what the maturity I don’t feel ever came ever.
He continued to spend all extra money on himself. Still does. His thoughts about money are kind of skewed.
I have so many reasons to resent him it’s not funny. He probably has reasons to resent me too.
In many ways I don’t think he is suited for marriage or to be a father. Maybe in many ways I’m not either. Not suited to be a mother. I was often overwhelmed. Had difficulty coping staying organized working with my kids. I’d probably give myself a C+.
I became very unhappy.
I was working but exhausted. Then I had the childcare the house. I sucked trying to do it all. Really sucked. My job in some ways had to come first. It sucked my energy dry. But I had groceries kids clothes everything me and the kids needed a felt was on me.
He’d say I wasn’t making him happy threaten divorce.
It seemed like his whole mission in life revolves around self pleasure. He wasn’t really into physical work at all would just take off and run. Drive around in a car or go for motorcycle ride. Putting all kinds of money into those things.
He would always be broke because he spent it all up on his hobbies.
He still hasn’t changed. Is still the same way.
He doesn’t do home maintenance at all. Everything just breaks and falls apart around us. He does not fix it. Why? He does not spend his time here.
So any talk I do no he has no desire to change. We can’t make them do anything.
Or he’d just go out and spend 8 hours riding around on mower. I think to avoid everything. Big avoider. Even sometimes on holidays he’s leave go out to bars. He liked any crowd but us. He’s act like other people so great. Need to spend time with them. Well he owes them nothing. That’s why. They ask him to do nothing.
He just wants lazy life with no responsibility and he does not care who he dumps it on in the process.
All the anger that’s resentment on my part all a waste of time. It’s just self inflicted pain to allow yourself to give that power to others of whether you are happy or sad.
Why let them wreck that too?
Choose carefully what you spend your money and time on. If you fix everything they will have more to spend on self.
Junk piled up all around messy lazy person doesn’t clean or fix anything just goes out and buys more.
Do things that make you happy. They do not care. You waste your time trying to get things to change when the other person has no reason to want to change. Why should they want to give up anything. ?
Well said !
I was in a bad car accident, on MRI they showed a bone eating disese that causes extreme pain.(Ive worked 21 years at same company doing construction) For years Ive complained and Ive gotten” its not that bad” and “everyones sore” I need hip replacement, followed by a back fusion. Both kids ages 6 and 2 are home (plus a 90lbs dog). I watch both kids everyday till she gets home at 3ish. Its hard because I have a broken hip. Im beat and exhausted. She will comment and say: Im the one who worked you dont think im beat? Ughh I dont get to stay home all day” and “ughh minute I get in the kids are passed off” ill pass out she will say “you had all day to sleep). At night she tubs them and gets them ready for bed. In this time she gets overwhelmed. Always overwhelmed if im not in same room. Comments “im doing everything, dinner tibs, baths while you lay on couch” I tell her try doing it 8 hours with a broke hip! I PlAY with my kids,never try to show them how hurt I am, so yes im physically beat. She is Ungrateful for what I do, and how hard with AVN it is, she belittles me. Im an ass for wanting a sitter 1 day a week. On weekend she will say “so your gonna lay in house all day”. Im due for surgery and it seems she doesnt get it. She will say her dads 70 and he sore, or a friends husband works 12 hours a day, everyone sore. Im surgery sore. Also if I didnt work 10-12 hour days plus saturdays for 20plus years. When I worked she complained I wasnt around. I dont know what to do.
I’m on the same lines as Judy.
I feel like have shared my concerns at the moment and because I don’t get angry or cry, my feelings aren’t taken seriously.
For example, my husband is “married” to his job, I’ve talked to him about more date nights, esp. during busy time, so I don’t feel so overwhelmed or like he doesn’t care. He has failed to make this happen. What do I do now…the resentment is building even more.
Hi. I was controlling towards my wife for sometime without even knowing it. We went through counseling, but she holds resentment towards me and there is a wedge between us. What can I do to help our situation?
I have been married for 46 years. (I was 20 when I got Married) I am a modern day June Cleaver. I have devoted my entire life to my family. Some say my children had the perfect childhood. We have a very nice house (spotless of course) always home cooked meals. I guess you could say i was a “Stepford Wife”. I also take great pride in my appearance. The problem is my husband never liked vacations not even a honeymoon. I have NEVER really done anything for myself. He is a very loving man but he knows how much i have wanted to travel since he retired. After all these years of my devotion I am filled with rage. He has no interest. Sometimes I just want to run away. We have done nothing this summer because he does not want to leave our 16 year old very sick dog. I am beyond depressed. I have never felt this resentful toward him. I would go by myself but Covid is getting bad again and besides that it’s hard to find anything this summer. My feelings are scaring me. He makes me feel crazy or like something is wrong with me for wanting to finally do something for me. I always thought of him as a WONDERFUL father and husband but I am seeing things differently now. I think I may explode!
I have been married for 6 years now. My wife resents the fact that I did not spend enough time with our son, and did not help enough.
I apologized, and made a HUGE shift. I have been going strong for 4 months now – spending SO MUCH quality time with the kids and with her. Stopped playing golf.
I turned into a loving, caring, supportive husband and father (which I was before, but let life just happen – now I am living on purpose). I am loving this new me. I am so committed to our family!
She still has not wanted sex for the last 4 months. She says that ANY physical contact makes her feel like “this is not where she wants to be”
I don’t know what to do?????!?!?!?!!?!!?!?
Be patient. Imagine: I made a mistake for 3 years. Then I fixed it. Trust me, it will take more than 4 months to feel the shift. Remember, she saw you for longer than 4 months (presumably) not spending time with your son. So now she wants to see you double that time with your son. So, just wait. Good memories always make people forget bad memories. She just needs more good memories. Be patient. You will get there, and she will get there.
For the future record, make sure your wife has a collection of great memories created by you. Those few moments of sadness or disappointment in the relationship will vanish!
Well, were do I even start at with the thesis long “I resent you” message that my wife read to me from her cell phone last night during a Facebook disagreement? I will try and timeline this as best I can with hopes of providing a “compete” picture here verses a one sided picture. We’ve been married now for 12 years and to find out last night that my wife is still harboring resentment from some pretty hot arguments we had when we first got together 12 years ago caught me completely off guard. Here’s how it started. But first, let me go back 12 years ago to the root cause of the issue then I’ll fast forward to my current situation without making this too long of a post, hopefully. So when we first re-connected (we graduated from the same school and was in the same grade) all those years ago, at some point in the early stages of our relationship we got into an argument and made some pretty hateful comments about each other’s kids – yes, we both have kids from a prior marriage. She said the reason my kids don’t ever call and talk to me is because they don’t love me….of course that comment, although not true, hurt just the same so I stated “and you’re spoiling your son by giving in to his every wish, if you tell him no, all he has to do is keeping bothering you about it then eventually your no turns into yes – he has mastered this, plus from what I see he’s not going to grow up and be this bright and shining star that you think he will be”. I know, I know, I should have left that last part out but I really shouldn’t have said it at all but I was hurt by the comments she made about my kids. Now mind-you I’ve since apologized for that statement now let’s fast forward to present time.
Last night while surfing FB she mentioned an ex-boyfriend name and I asked where they friends on FB (last year she showed me his pic via FB and they were not friends at that time and according to her she had no desire to reach out and do the FB friend thing) and she said yes. I stated that that was BS and what’s the point. She became irate like how dare you question me about that, then she said when I die, I hope you read what I wrote about you in my phone – ouch again. Needless to say that didn’t sit well with me and I said, now that’s low. Honestly, I think I was in shock when she made that statement. She started to read what she had written in her phone and it was more of the same untruths with the exception of the retaliation statement I made about my step son over a decade ago. I absolutely love her kids as I love my own (that’s why her words hurt me so much) but part of message was how I never loved them, and how my kids don’t love me, and why she didn’t look in my eyes when we got married because basically she was just doing something – and she also said I was nice so that helped also. Mind you, I’m still sitting there in total disbelief about what she was saying so when I was able to breath I said “you went off the deep end because I feel some type of way about you being friends on FB with your ex?” Her reply was no, you never loved them then she went about what I said years ago again.
Let me provide a little context about my kids. I went through a nasty divorce and my ex-wife fought me at every turn not to see my two kids, not because I wasn’t a good farther, but because their mom said if I wanted to see the kids, we both had to drop the divorce preceding’s then I could remain as their daddy – there was no way that was happening because the marriage was just not working. I went through two lawyers and almost lost a job because I had to travel over 12 hours for the court proceedings and ran I out of vacation days. In the divorce, I “willingly” left her the house and everything in it because of the kids – all I wanted was my visitation rights which I never got to this day. In fact, because she wouldn’t agree to anything it caused a lot of back and forth to court and my lawyer quietly dropped my case. I mean he stopped answering my calls, texts, or emails anymore. I had no more money for lawyers nor time off from work to keep fighting for my visitation.
Regarding my step kids, I love them just as I love my own kids, she has to know this as I’ve demonstrated this time and time again over the years, from spending time with them, cutting my step son hair once a week when he was younger, shelving out about a grand to fix my step daughters car, we go on family trips regularly and I’m always engaging with them, they seem to like me and sure as hell love them.
I’m like so confused here. I ask myself why she brings this up when we have disagreements on any issue. She always travels back in time and bring up the same thing, each and every time. For the most part, we get along well (at least I thought so), but as previously stated, the first sign of any type of “serious” disagreement she brings the same thing up from nearly 12 years ago – so frustrating. I’m really considering calling it quits with this marriage but I’m being pulled because I want to leave but then I don’t want to leave. How can the person you love so much say such horrible things when she gets mad, then I find myself trying to go tit for tat with the insults which of course only makes things worse than they already are.
Sign,
Mr. I feel like I’m at a crossroad and I don’t know which way to turn.
Ps…This was a little therapeutic if nothing else.
Hard to believe anyone would be so cold and mean to resent and or want out of marriage due to one falling sick!! What a useless person who doesn’t deserve to have anyone frankly! Who wants someone if they are only ok, happy, content, when things are good or mostly good!!! Anyone can do that its nothing that warrants even mentioning, its when it is bad and hard that measures true love, respect, worth, and character!! Most of what research shows is it is the women who want out and harbor resentment from disabilities of their husband’s, they either don’t want to work or have much responsibility, they are good if its on the man and want to cry about being equals and complain they have so much on their plates, but when something happens that really makes then busy and work and have responsibilities they want out!! Unreal, how could any spouse leave someone they claim to love and took vows to do it good n bad sickness and health without enough income or their health insurance? Turn their backs and act like it never happened and start fresh…SICKENING and to be honest they are the ppl who deserve to get the disability!!!
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Here is a thought. If your spouse is resenting you for something that you did and continue to be doing, you should know that that person had already tried nicely and patiently to share with you what he or she does not like, but you, instead of listening to him or her, did nothing about it.
And don’t come to that story, that one must accept me the way I am. There is no such thing. We transform over time. We do things over time that are wrong, and at times we do not see that, but they see everything. One must listen to the “audience” from time to time and act. Change.
Great article.
Loved and agreed with every part except the part that says the partner is not feeling any pain.
What? That’s a sweeping assumption. Wish that were not in this article; it undermines the experience of thr partner and the possibility and likelihood that both parties are in pain.
What do you do when your spouse resents decisions that him and I have made TOGETHER? There are plenty of life long decisions that we have made (like buying a house instead of building, moving to the States because he couldn’t get a job in Europe) and now I am being resented for that. I keep telling him that if he actually never wanted to do any of that then he shouldn’t have said Yes to it. You can’t make a compromise and then blame the other person that you compromised. There is a laundry list of things that he resents me for and that his life would look a lot different if I hadn’t been in the picture. But he all did it for me, right? We can’t move forward if he keeps looking back. He is a resentful person in general, brings up family stuff from the last 40 years that he never forgave.
I was just wondering I had my husband thrown in jail and he resents me for doing that I don’t know how he will forgive me we’ve been together for over 25 years he moved out to his father’s house and I’m in the house by myself with the cats I don’t know what to do I’m not sure if I hurt his feelings by doing that I really don’t know but I resent having him put in jail.
I know my wife resents me, I’m trying to improve though. She did of the packing, unpacking when we moved. Kids cling to her more than me and then my surgeries didn’t help. I realized that I was using my work as an excuse even though I did work roughly 60 hours a week. I could’ve done more, so now I’m trying to be a better partner and do things I should’ve done years ago or at least be more consistent with it. It’s hard, hopefully she she’s that I’m trying to improve and things start getting better. I’m not going to give up, I love her and I want her to know that we’re partners.
My head is mind boggled by this. My husband has a game mat that is sexual. It is an anime girl with you know big boobs bent over and her skirt so little you know.
And he makes me the problem about being so jealous to tell him to get rid of it. He literally does not care enough to throw it away. I have told him numerous times to please get rid of it. I want him to throw it away in his own, because if I throw it away, he will think I’m disrespecting me. I feel like it is so disrespectful to have, but he thinks differently. We are a very young couple, and his mom tried to tell me it was okay for him to have it. I literally cannot sleep sometimes just thinking why does he not throw it away???? I even told him I will buy you a new one with another design and he refuses. He says I need to ask him before throwing away anything even if it has a naked woman on it. I threw away his Las Vegas calendar and another nasty calendar. I have been REALLY mean to him about it too. I want to work on our marriage, but it feels like only I give up things. I left my whole family, I left the friends who didn’t support us, just for us to have a great marriage. He thinks I get everything my way just because I asked him not to talk to girls on social media. He is a married man. I cannot. I do not know how to like make him wake up. He thinks I nag about it. I have asked him nicely to throw it away and explained it was disrespectful to me for it is sexual and he claims I’m just exaggerating.
From what you wrote it seems your husband may be addicted to masterbation. If you are not or cannot meet his sexual needs this would be a logical reason for his behavior.
We try to overcome little resentments every day. I used to resent him for taking over the household duties so much; I thought he was being too housewivey and feminine. Now I’m pregnant and I know the household simply wouldn’t function without his help. I also resent him a little for being from a lower social class than me, not being as educated or aware of the world at large and that is something that I’m working on. I truly have regrets sometimes. I’m not sure what to do about this one.
I need help! I been married over 15 years. In the first year of my marriage, wife cheated on me. I forgave her and took her back. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with as I was genuinely heartbroken, it was not an easy decision but I considered our daughter who was just a year old plus my faith. Over the years I have tried to forget what happened and leave it all in the past BUT sometimes when my wife is not in the mood for intimacy and turns me down, the thoughts of the past and feelings of maybe not being inadequate or desirable overwhelm me until I resort to porn and masturbation out of anger of not being appreciated/ loved or even feeling rejected. This is wrong on all levels and goes against my faith my makup etc and i always regret it straight after. I have spoken to my wife about all this as I thought maybe just maybe if I share my feelings she will understand and help me pray through and we can have better communication and overcome together BUT, it’s like it never registered and never registers (I feel like she does not consider my feelings, only hers). We now have 2 kids and I would not want to resort to cheating, I don’t want to carry on feeling this way either but it’s like I’m stuck and frustrated. I don’t know if anyone out there can relate
I get tired of being the emotional carrier for the family. My spouse is resentful, but it’s over absolutely assinine stuff. Like when I said, “Suck the air outta the bread bag.” If looks could kill I’d be dead. Then he cuts himself off and runs away. It is me who creates the safe space for a therapy session for him to get in touch with his feelings and express himself. I am invisible. He is not sexual with me or sexually attracted to me. (However, when I birthed my children and I didn’t feel like sex until the doc gave me the okay, my husband was ENRAGED.) But, now that we are older, whatever he feels like is how the relationship rolls. I spend SO MUCH TIME by myself, at least I have learned to love myself in all that alone time. But, it’s hardly a relationship. I work my ass off everyday to make life connected, intimate, and vulnerable for us…and a safe space to communicate, and I still am basically living alone. Yes, he’s been depressed for 40 years…and I have had to be th buoyant on. While I have grown a lot, and I wouldn’t trade all the things I have learned, I am tired of carrying the relationship by myself. If we could split financially, I’d be gone.
I coming from an emotional neglect/bullied background, and somehow find myself in the same situation: standing in front of an authority figure while they rail and rage at me for something I ‘should’ (according to them) have done, or not done.
I’ve learned so much emotional regulation, my system remains calm 95% of the time. I cannot let myself be brought into a place of pain even though she tries her hardest to force me there with escalating personal insults, derogations, and vitriol. Sometimes she makes threatening moves and verbally says she’s going to hit me, or set fire to my stuff (I have a lot of stuff, ADD style!).
It probably is me, I’m just not consistent enough, organized enough, driven to over-work enough, etc… essentially I’m never enough for her.
I have 2 BSc degrees and am highly academic, and she said recently how she could think of ‘nothing worse than spending her life with an academic’.
She struggles with me not bothering too much about emails – they will always be there, most are shite, the others can wait until it is convenient for me. She wants everything sorted ASAP, and more than a few unread emails is a major source of stress.
I feel like I’m shrinking around her, which sucks, feeling unable to communicate for fear of some retribution, criticism, judgement she may conjure. Often drop the ball on things I’m supposed to be sorting out, ADD seems to be getting worse, becoming afraid of taking initiative for fear of criticism etc.
I wish I could just tell her to not worry about everything so much, stop pushing herself to exhaustion and wearing a morning headache like a badge of honor. She does not honor herself, is so often speaking of how this person or that person is useless at this, that or the other. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and if she constantly focuses on the weaknesses, then that’s what she’ll see!
I so often look at people and see simply their beauty, I see it in my wife too, and so wish she could see the magic in all of us whoever we are, and whatever we choose, or do – just the beauty of another’s being.
She shows that she cares for me and our son, who is off to University in September, but is often seemingly raging and calling us out on something. I’m sure our son will have trouble relating to women because of her behavior. We share the cooking (I probably do slightly more), some household chores, but never is anyone allowed to simply be – there is always an air of distain, so everyone is walking on eggshells.
So I don’t feel safe around her anymore, unsurprisingly! Let alone loved, wanted, or needed.
Suicide crosses my mind from time to time each week, but I manage to push it away thinking it would be better for me to leave and do something for someone else, however small, than kill myself because of her negative opinion of me.
Counselling, she doesn’t want. Resentment she holds onto so tightly and so hard, that I’m sure actual sparks will fly out of her at some point.
I’m tired of needing to always console myself, and my occasional need to numb out so as not to feel the pain of it all, learning is my solace along with music (which I used to be allowed (feel allowed) to do before it was somehow condemned because it was not ‘doing anything productive’).
Her constant question is ‘what are you doing’, or ‘what are you going to do this evening/today’, delivered in a tone which makes me feel rigid and search fervently for some ‘right’ answer which might not set her off into another rage or criticism of what I didn’t do before, or something else.
Sorry to carry on, maybe this would be better in a journal.
If this relationship eventually fails, I’ll not be looking for another – ever – it’s all just too painful.
Blessings,
M.